Read me. For the love of God, please read me!

Oh hell!
I haven’t had a viewing for a few days now, three to be exact. Or, now that I come to think about it, it could be four. Four, for God’s sake! I’m flatlining. I’m yesterday’s news, the mere wrappings for someone’s fish and chips. I am old hat! Where’s that brown paper bag? I think I’m having a panic attack. I’m not taking this too seriously or anything like that, and God forbid that I am blowing this out of all proportion but, but it’s like I can’t breathe all of a sudden. And there are so many things now rushing through my brain; the instant realisation that I have suddenly gone from being massive down under, and ever-so-occasionally in Somalia, to now being completely and utterly alone all the way out here!
Bloody hell, it’s cold. Why is it so cold all the way out here? Is the window open?
“Hello? Is there anyone out there? Hello?” Bloody hell it’s dark.
Why is no one reading me anymore? Why does no one like me anymore? Oh, my, God! It’s just like that after-school club thing I attended just that once, before they inexplicably closed down and moved to another continent. It’s “Chess Club” all over again. What am I going to do?!
I have got to come up with another post and bloody quickly. But what? They don’t just grow on trees, do they? Do they? Where the hell can I find an “Ideas Tree”? Is it in the same garden as the fabled “Money Tree” politicians speak of all the time, whenever a microphone is thrust before their weasel-like faces come election time?
All this pressure. I can’t handle all this pressure. I’ve never been good under pressure. Please, someone, anyone, read me!
Read me!
I’ve got a nosebleed now… And I’m having palpitations.
And they said that social media was fun. Oh yeah, this is a great laugh.



  1. You are not alone!!!

    I hope the palpitations and the epistaxis have now stopped.

    Thank you for making me laugh x

  2. What ever happened to the Simon of old?
    He would dance around a pillar only wearing a single lense off his glasses!
    Would join a fight without a moments hesitation over a wet radio!
    Steal the Virgin Mary from her Christmas display ( so going to hell ) and take her dancing!
    Rest in peace Crystal, or is there hope ???

    Ali. 🇳🇿

    • None of the above is true, fellow readers and loyal followers, none of it. It’s all scandalous lies based on nothing more than hearsay and conjecture… And besides, it was the baby Jesus, not the Virgin Mary.

  3. So? What’s this about a pillar and a single lense??

    Have you managed to scramble out of the darkness into the light yet?

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