Hello? Is anyone there? Has she gone yet?
Are we alone? Is it safe to come out now?
Has Katie Price, also known as the “former Page Three glamour model, Jordan”, left the building and moved on to her next victim, I mean, next date yet?
Oh, thank God. That means I can get on with my life again, finally. It means I can now return to something resembling normality.
The fake buxom “model” has been loitering around outside for hours now, ringing my bell incessantly and tapping at her wristwatch, “coo-cooing” loudly at me through the letterbox and upsetting my poor little dog, who’s now a complete nervous wreck – not to mention the effect she’s had on the postman! But, ah, at last, it would appear to be over now and I can come out of hiding, and remove this rather itchy fake moustache.
Peering through my curtains, discreetly, it appears that she has finally given up and moved on, and my relief is palpable, as I am sure you’ll understand. But, with my relief comes, of course, the feeling of immense sorrow, as well as the intense agony of what they call, “survivor’s guilt”, and in particular for one Edmund Galiforth from Warminster, Wiltshire, who’s next on the “former Page Three model’s” to do list.
My thoughts are with you Edmund Galiforth, from Warminster, Wiltshire. May God take mercy on your soul, because the former Page Three model now rapidly heading your way determinedly ain’t half hungry now… And just ever-so-slightly bloody peeved.
Keep safe, my friend.



By my admittedly basic calculations, I have come to the inevitable, gut-wrenching conclusion that next Wednesday, at ten to three in the afternoon, it will be my turn to sleep with Katie Price, also known as the, “former Page Three glamour model, Jordan, aged 39.” Yeah, right.

Therefore, I have absolutely no alternative but to go into hiding immediately for my own well-being. Who knows how long I’ll be away for, or exactly how many weeks I’ll have to remain hidden behind this fake plastic moustache, but, until I return, keep well folks and keep ‘em peeled, just in case any big buxom “models” stagger your way. Oh, and if I should die, remember this of me… That, probably, without a doubt, I went out screaming!

You ain’t seen me, right?