It’s worst than I thought.
Instead of carrying off this new and fashionable, “Tramp Look”, with something approaching the aplomb I originally envisioned, today someone commented that I looked like Kenny Rogers. He’s dead, isn’t he?
Thank you very much indeed, Mum.
Not that I have been unnecessarily deliberating on it at all, due to the fact that there are a lot of things currently going on in the world that I feel demand my attention a little bit more, but… Kenny bloody Rogers?!
I decided, mainly after catching a rather unfortunate whiff from his breath, that
little Teddy desperately needed his little teeth cleaned. Having finally caught him and secured him and pacified him somewhat with the vague promise of a biscuit, or two, my mum went to work as quickly as possible, whilst I tried to hold the little scamp’s head as still as I could – he doesn’t half wriggle about and fidget! After a few exhausting minutes we had managed to clean the whole of the left side of his little mouth and a couple of the molars at the back of the right side of his mouth, before he decided that enough was simply enough and promptly tried to eat the toothbrush. He’s not getting a biscuit after that! We never had this problem with little Holly… Unless it was bath time, and then we had to tie her to a tree, get the hose out and stand well back! She would quite happily jump in any old stream, dirty puddle or lob herself into the sea, but when it came to the bath!
On the plus side, and despite the many desperate warnings from all the experts on FaceBook, Godzilla has not shown up as of yet. Sally from Exeter, who apparently knows all about these things from her previous job as a hairdresser-come-beautician, thinks that this could be due to the current travel restrictions? In her opinion, the fact that he would, or would not, now have to self-quarantine himself for fourteen days has slightly put him off travelling to G.B. Apparently, he hasn’t got the time and hasn’t arranged for the extra days off work. Apparently, during the week, he’s a Quantity Surveyor.
I found out at six o-clock this evening, after Pointless and just in time for the 6 O-Clock News, that it’s a Thursday. I could have sworn that it was the Tuesday from 9 days ago. What happened to that Tuesday? This sort of throws my diary out of kilter a little bit.
Spent my time between writing the various drafts of my new article for, For The Love of Bands, by relaxing and watching The Deadliest Catch, but had to quit the daring chase for King Crab and return quickly to shore due to a heavy bout of incapacitating sea-sickness.
Don’t like crab anyway, to be honest. They are the Devil’s sea creatures! All that sideways walking and snip, snip snipping.
NOTE: Whilst searching high and low for my favourite Umbro trainers that Teddy has no doubt taken hostage, I finally found Tuesday 7th July down the back of the sofa.
Megan Markle, one time actress and current part-time duchess with a busy social media account, has now decided that she and Prince Harry do not like Los Angeles after all, as its full of people who refuse to take any notice of her – let alone bow and scrape like peasants are supposed to nowadays – and hundreds of film companies that don’t want to employ her what-so-ever. Megan is reported to be in tears now, having, according to her friend(s), given up her entire life for the royal family; for at least 90 minutes whilst she was getting married. This is all said to have come as something of a complete shock to poor husband Harry, who was informed of the news by her staff whilst doing the dishes. So where next for the couple, now that the whole of Great Britain and Canada are out of the running? Afghanistan was suggested by poor Harry, although Narnia is supposedly nice at this time of year as well.
Sir Tom Moore has finally been knighted by Her Majesty. He is reported to have explained to the Queen that he would gladly kneel for her but was slightly worried as to whether he’d be able to get back up again. Well done Colonel, Sir Tom! Who, due to massive undermanning in the armed forces, has now been called up for a 6 month tour of duty in Afghanistan with the 1st Battalion of the Coldstream Guards.
Publication of the overall daily figures for coronavirus-related deaths in the UK has been paused after Health Secretary Matt Hancock ordered an urgent review. The news comes after Public Health England confirmed that the reported deaths may have included people who had tested positive for the virus months before they died and thousands who have since been revealed to have died from everything else; 2, for example, from having been run over by a car. According to some reports, namely this one, because the word “CAR” also starts with a “C”, health experts reportedly became confused and labelled the death as virus related anyway, just to be on the safe side. Allegedly, and according to both the Independent and The Mirror, Boris Johnson was heard to loudly exclaim, “Oh, for fuck’s sake, can’t I leave you lot alone to get on with anything?”, whilst Dominic Cummings’ is believed to have already organised a firing squad for the crack of dawn next Wednesday, when no one’s looking!
Sir I’m Botham, one time cricketer and full-time pundit to be found with his arthritic feet in a bowl, is to be given a Knighthood for his work during the Brexit campaign. Apparently his persuasive argument, to hit anyone who voted “Stay” over their treacherous heads with a big bat, was invaluable over the course of the debate, and is thought to have swung the vote, especially “up north”, where they don’t really like being hit over the head with a big bat! The knighthood had nothing whatsoever to do with his years of charity work.
Boris Johnson has confidently announced that Britain will be back to normal, and Great once again, by Christmas. He hasn’t however, said exactly what Christmas.
Today I received a text from my bank. It was enquiring after me, which is nice. Apparently, concerns have been raised in Barclay’s head office by the fact that I don’t seem to be spending any money, and that, furthermore, and more worrying still, that money now actually seems to be accumulating somewhat!? In a round-about way, and without being too invasive, the text just wanted to make sure that everything is okay… and that I am, “still alive and well”? Now doubt, the next time I go to Morrison’s the relief to them will be palpable.
NOTE: Coincidentally, I also received a text from Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs. It said, and I quote: “You better be dead, you useless four-eyed…!”
What week is it?
Have started to read Moby Dick.
Have finished reading Moby Dick.
What a crap book that is! Three hundred-odd pages in, and still no sign of the bloody whale! And, I am openly rooting for the bloody whale! I therefore chucked the book in the corner at around three-thirty, thereby becoming the only book I have never bothered to finish, and this coming from a man who stuck with Wuthering Heights right the way through! Believe me, the song is a lot, lot better!
Unfortunately though, and after searching through Amazon, Moby Dick doesn’t seem to have a song sung after it by Kate Bush, so it’s obviously a complete and utter waste of both time and effort then.
At around about four-thirty I start to read The Karamazov Brothers…
Still reading The Karamazov Brothers…
So far the whale hasn’t bothered to appear in this tome either? All rather strange.
On the TV, Britain’s new superhero, Captain Hindsight, has announced that he and the Labour Party would have handled the outbreak a lot better and would have put Britain into lockdown in 2017. So why did it take them 4 months to elect Captain Hindsight as leader? And why has it taken them 8 months to bury the report into anti-Semitism? But maybe I’m a sceptic because I remember the excellent way in which they handled Foot & Mouth!? I am therefore mightily relieved that we haven’t all been culled unnecessarily and left in huge piles in fields to be burned later, when they can get round to it. And before the stink makes those of us who are left, ill.
Captain Hindsight, who now comes with his own cape of neutral colours so as not to offend the colourblind, has today revealed to a glorious fanfare that, under his guidance and leadership, the Second World War would have been handled very, very differently, starting with the cutting off of the gas supply to Germany! The young and gullible from Suburbia have decided that this is just another reason as to why the evil and bloodthirsty Churchill’s statue must be removed immediately and replaced by one of Robert Mugabe, the brave, black freedom fighter who fought relentlessly against colonialism and all food grown and supplied to the masses by evil white farmers. Or, if dear old Robert’s not available, then Eddie Izzard would suffice just as well! At least till someone realises that he’s white, and, despite the dress, a man, and they have to send each other to weeks of re-education classes immediately!
I have a headache.
Three hundred-odd, really odd, pages into The Karamazov Brothers and I have totally forgotten what happened at the very beginning. And what the book’s supposed to be about. If it’s not careful it’s going to end up in the corner with bloody Moby Dick!
Where is Kate Bush when you really need her?
Those sunning themselves on the beaches of Spain whilst trying to dodge the donkeys being thrown off of neighbouring church roofs have been informed today that they now have to quarantine themselves for 14 days upon their return, mainly due to the fact that Spain, like the rest of Europe is now in the midst of a ‘spike’, or another hefty wave of Covid 19. According to the B.B.C., which is still scaring people half to death on an hourly basis with a smile, most holidaymakers over there are quite angry, but why? They’re getting an extra 14 days holiday at home to recover from their 2 weeks in Spain. Result! I have no sympathy for them though, as I can’t lose this feeling that they should have holidayed in the U.K., helping to rebuild our economy.
An electrician kindly visited my flat in Watford today, in order for me to get a brand new certificate for something or other and a new bulb in the kitchen. By the time he left, 20 minutes later, I needed a new fuse box and had an empty bank account? Some bulb! Hey ho, easy come, easy go. Barclay’s will be relieved!
I wrote an article last week for the webzine, For The Love of Bands, reviewing the Aussie band, The Lucid Hoops debut album. I heard today that they liked the review so much they have used it all over their social media platforms… Fame at last! Fortune now surely beckons, and can only be just around the corner? And it can’t come soon enough to be honest, especially if I ever need another electrician!
I can wear a ponytail! I start modelling various looks and stances in the mirror… But decide, after just a couple of hours, that I look like a prat any which way.
The relaxing of restrictions as we attempt to come away from the grip of this worldwide virus has been delayed, with scientists and government ministers worried by the tsunami of a wave now washing once more over Europe and the levelling out, and in some places, in the decrease in cases over here, especially in the north west. The reopening of gyms has therefore been postponed.
Damn! What a shame. But never mind. Now, where did I put those packets of Custard Creams?
Threw The Karamazov Brothers in the corner!